oh blah blah blog

'Nother One

2010-02-07T08:29:00.002-10:00

My poem "When Someone Dies On The Big Rock Candy Mountain" will be published in Illinois University Northwest's Spirits magazine in April.

Holla.

In other news, Snowpocalypse? I will have to resume digging my car out from under tons of snow at some point today.

"A Million New Yorkers Are Good Without God..."

2009-10-22T03:35:00.002-10:00

A team of 8 atheist coalitions are joining forces to bring posters of blue sky and white puffy cloud to the NYC subway system, bombarding commuters with their simple message. On them, "A Million New Yorkers Are Good Without God. Are You?" in white text, all above the words "Coalition of Reason." ( Article )

Maybe this is my raised-in-a-Nazarene-church-girl-reasoning, or it could be the my-dad's-a-pastor-thinking, though in all truth I have never considered myself hugely involved with the church or its politics, but I find this "Coalition of Reason" to be absolutely unreasonable. Alright, so, I'm all for people believing in whatever they want to believe, but this is something like taking out ad-space to say that Santa Claus isn't real. It's just robbery, plain and simple. Perhaps they are reacting to Christian advertisements that they've become sick of. If this is the case, why would they knowingly want to participate in using tactics that they themselves find obnoxious? Why is it so important for these atheists to incite unhappiness amongst those outside of their one-million atheist mindsets, or steal even the glimmer of hope that someone might have?

Jeeze.

The 'Roonies.

2009-09-16T18:11:00.003-10:00

Lately I've noticed a trend in my speech.

Examples:

You say "socks." I say "sockaroonies."

You say "underwear." I say "underoonies."

(You understand?) Kidaroonies.

It is also interesting to note that I often drop the "...ies" and just say "...oons" (i.e. "kidaroons", "sockaroons").

When asked by friendly Puppy why not just drop the "...ies" and the "...oons" I considered briefly taking up his advice and using the standard names given to items by my lovely mother tongue.

But where's the awesome in that?

My Apartment (Haunted?)

2009-08-01T06:50:00.003-10:00

My roommate doesn't pay rent.

He doesn't pay rent because he's a ghost. I'm convinced.

At first, we thought the neighbors were only trying to frighten us when they made mention of a suicide that occurred here a month before we were given the keys to move in, but it's been confirmed by the management, and now we can't sleep. The former tenant did, really and truly, blow his brains out in our living room, and now he's banging on doors all night.

So I'm a-breakin' my lease.

Another little reason to celebrate.

2009-07-17T03:46:00.004-10:00

A short story I wrote will appear in Denver's 303 Magazine. They asked for first rights and I gladly consented. The story, which focuses on a car crash and the deaths of the three teens involved, will be printed in their October issue.

seabear: cat piano

2009-07-17T03:41:00.003-10:00

this is a beautiful song, and if you have the means to access it from itunes,

the version that comes on the album 'the ghost that carried us away' is

somewhat more beautiful than this youtube live recording. it comes jennifer

recommended. you might find yourself, as i do, listening to it over and over again

and praying for it to lodge itself in your head for the day.

f-works from the national mall.

2009-07-06T06:27:00.001-10:00

Essay Up: 'Things...'

2009-07-02T13:53:00.001-10:00

My humorous article on nannying was put up today in Litterbox Magazine. Here's the link:

http://www.litterboxmagazine.com/3nonfictionkuhn.php

Enjoy, readers!

Another one I thought I created that I didn't create.

2009-04-14T04:11:00.001-10:00

recyclopedia.

I googled it, and it was already there.

Darn my life.

Serafina Steer (I love her.)

2009-04-14T04:08:00.000-10:00

muz

2009-03-24T03:28:00.002-10:00

I am completely head-over-heels in love with MGMT. I will be waiting for an invitation to a GlAmazon party similar to the one in their video for 'Electric Feel' forever.

Proof

2009-02-20T05:35:00.002-10:00

I have decided that nobody out there wants to hurt me (see my first post) and I'm no longer worried about revealing me true identity out there on the interwebz.

My full name is Jennifer Kuhn (rhymes with moon, goon, loon, spoon, NOT bun, nun, fun, or one). I currently reside outside of Washington, D.C. but I still have Connecticut plates on my car. I have a B.A. in English from Eastern Connecticut State University, and I'm pursuing an M.S. in Publishing from George Washington University (pending admission). My favorite colors are yellow, white, hot pink, and green. And I don't really remember my natural hair color but I would never dye it a funky color like Clementine from the movie "Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" because I think Kate Winslet looks fugly in that movie.

My websites are:

www.myspace.com/redpenproofreading

and www.nationalfreelancers.com/jenn.fer

and if you're writing a cover letter or a novel, be a doll and email a Kuhn. Check out my myspace page for additional deets, darlings.

inventions

2008-11-23T09:14:00.002-10:00

I have often thought about certain things I would invent if I had any talent in inventing. But no, all I have is this rusty imagination, and no skill in working with metal or glass. So I will lay out my plans here, into this blog which no one reads, and hope that someday some scientist will come and honor these thoughts with design.

My first invention would be a deskunkulator. The deskunkulator will be installed into all cars that will be sold in areas with a heavy skunk population. The purpose of the deskunkulator will be to eliminate the foul odor that enters the vehicle when passing through a roadway scented a la skunk, which will no doubt greatly please the occupants of the vehicle who would otherwise be forced to either a.) inhale or b.) hold their breath until they reach another town.

My second invention would be a window that can be installed in a mother-to-be's stomach, so that she might see in on the progress of her developing child. It would have a blind that could come down if the child within wanted to catch some Z's without having the world spying on him.

I am going to get Katie R. She is asleep in my bed. And we are going to eat pizza and say hi to a fine fellow called Omar.

Farwell.

Overheard On the Job

2008-10-30T13:38:00.005-10:00

I have the sweetest gig here in Maryland. Seriously, I LUFF my nannying job. Awesome family, a cuddly and corpulent black cat with the unfitting appellation Cinnamon, the priceless sense of fulfillment that comes with employment that really means something because it does not require soul-selling to the Dev. to make The Man rich. One of the best perks is, according to the general nature of the job, spending a lot of time in the company of American youngsters, and before you call me a sick perv, allow me to explain.

I believe that people would pay to hear some of the things these kids say, and so here, faithful reader, is an overheard from on the job.

Boy, Age 10: "Guys, if you want the password, it's lazerhairremoval."

I couldn't stop laughing.

ethiopians eat food.

2008-10-20T08:48:00.002-10:00

I was raised up believing that the Ethiopians are a league of starving children swatting flies from their faces, and I'm certainly not the only American who has gone by this illusion for so long. When I mentioned to my friend E in Jersey that I had sampled some of the national cuisine at Almaz on U Street in D.C., he responded in jest that he thought "Ethiopian food" was some sort of oxymoron.

First there is something that needs to be understood. In my humble opinion, there is nothing more delicious in this world than chicken fingers drenched in honey mustard (Jennifer-rated #1 best condiment EVER). I never try new things. Never.

Well, almost never. I met up with Jason and his girlfriend at this Ethiopian food-place with adventure on my mind. When we got there, there was nowhere to sit, so we went over to the bar and had some honey wine. Yes. It was delicious.

When we finally got our (tiny little) table, I let my friends do the ordering (the noob that I am!). I can't even tell you what I was eating, but it was good. Weird. Ethiopian food is eaten with this spongy flat bread, and you tear off little pieces of it and dunk it into the communal tray of assorted oddities. Not half bad, I say.

What really sucks is that I have no random word-of-the-post. But I can leave you with a movie recommendation: Miracle at St. Anna was very good. I almost cried, and I don't cry at movies. So please, for the love of macaroni and cheese, go see it please.

autumn at home.

2008-09-29T16:34:00.003-10:00

Water Mill is a very beautiful town. All the houses are hidden behind trees and there are lots of bunnies and deer frolicking through the fields (and streets). But living here is somewhat disgusting at the same time. So much is flaunted without objection. So much is taken for granted. The simple things are complicated by money and excess. It doesn't matter where you go around here, there will always be someone advertising their wealth or fame. I just want to punch the Hamptons and shout out "so what!" Maybe back home we don't all drive BMW / Bentley / Benz. Maybe most of us only have one home to live in ALL year. And so what if our locals are not dripping in diamonds or made of money! New England has a lot of things that cannot be found in the Hamptons, and one of the best of all bests how beautiful our landscapes become this time of year. Say what you want, but the foliage on Long Island has nothing on the foliage in Connecticut, and we're just getting started. Give it a few more weeks and we'll really be seeing some good stuff back home.

So PWNED, Hamptons!

holy cow.

2008-09-18T16:50:00.004-10:00

Today I was walking around Southampton. I didn't have to babysit until 3:15 and felt like making the most of my day by doing something different and obscene. Maybe more different than obscene. Okay. Maybe not obscene at all. I had big plans of checking out the Parrish Art Museum. I googled and mapquested. I GPSed. I got all excited at the prospect of having something fun to do, and then I got there and they were closed for some renovation junk.

Drats.

So I walked around Jobs Lane and did a few things which includes meeting a famous artist. His name is Michael Perez. He's painted some of those big cows that you've probably seen around. Check him. Actually, legitimately famous. He does a lot of pop art and has celebrity clients like Nikki Hilton and Billy Joel. But I didn't know this when I met him. I asked him if they were his paintings, and he said yes and got all excited, perhaps thinking me rich and able to afford some fancy expensive bright thing to hang on my wall. No no no. I don't even have my own wall. But anyway. The exact dialogue of the conversation escapes me now but we talked in general about my nannyhood, my disappointment about the closed museum, my useless B.A. in English, his friend the editor who drives a fancy car, and my eyes, which he said were beautiful. He said he wanted me to come back later so he could paint me. Imagine my face, pop-artified, hanging on the wall of a rich person's home.

Ha.

Haha.

(And, for good measure,) Hahaha.

oh thomas garrison (nanny scam)

2008-09-09T03:00:00.005-10:00

My time in Water Mill is running out, and I am looking like crazy for my dreamjob. So, I decided to take my search over to craigslist where there are legit nanny seekers a-plenty, but there's always that (<=) one freakshow who wants to ruin the fun of such a nice place on the internet.

I wanted to share this with you in hopes that it will spare some sucker from falling victim. In my favorite excerpts, here is the recap of my communication with Mister Thomas Garrison.

Key: Thomas Me

Hello,
I saw your advert on the craigslist as a Nanny/Sitter and i will be glad if you can watch my daughter,She's Pamela by name and 3yrs old,Im currently working with a Fabric company,You'll be watching her from Monday-Friday while im at work. The Childcare will be between the hours of 10am-4pm as i will like to know your cost and if you'll be available to watch her.The care shall be for a period of 6weeks and you shall start the care by 17th of September.
Here are few questions i will like you to answer:
1.Do you have a daycare center
2.Do you have References
3.Which area are you located
4.Will my daughter be fine with you.
5.What is your charges for the 6weeks period.

Thanks and get back to me only if you're interested in the care.
Regards.
Thomas

I especially like #4... "will my daughter be fine with you." This person's use of punctuation is sickening. And that's what you want to ask a potential nanny - will my daughter be fine with you? How does he know whether or not I'm kidding when I say yes?

So, smelling a scam, I said...

Located in Rural Maine. (Total lie, but I said it because no fabric company man is taking his blooming business out into the sticks, and also because it's so remote that if he jumped on it, YES YES YES, then it was a warning signal, especially because I posted my availability for Long Island, NYC, and Connecticut areas on craigslist, NOT rural Maine.) I take care from my own home, very small daycare. How many children do you have?

Mister Thomas Garrison then proceeded to ask me what I would charge for 6 weeks of childcare, and I told him the exorbitant amount of $8000. Now I know the U.S. economy is somewhat weaker than that of our friends in England, but $8000 is very unreasonable for 6 weeks of childcare in the backwoods of Maine.

But he was fine with it.

Hello Again,
I'm very glad to read back from you.I want you to know that my baby girl Pamela is so precious to me because she's is all i'm left with i lost her mom in a plane crash last year i really want you to take good care of her for me and pls keep your eye's on her always.

I need you to know that we are moving from the United Kingdom to the United State to your area,i told you in my previous email that i work in a fabrics company in the Uk...im the Manager of this company and we are planning of having a Branch of this company set up in your area and this is why im relocating to ensure the smooth running of the company there and this is why i also requested for your service,and before our arrival i need to make all necessary arrangement and make payment for you in advance ***Huge red flag.

Regarding to the amount you're requesting i believe i can afford as my company financier will be responsible for the payment and will be paying you with a (counterfeit) bank Check and i've decided to add $40 to the amount you are charge for so you can get a very good job done for me i appreciate your assistant.

I need you to mail me back with your Full Name and Address of where the payment should be send to i also need a Valid phone number where i can reach you.Your full name and address will be forward to my company financier for a quick payment.

Ooh, an extra forty fake bucks just for giving some creepo all my personal information. Sounds good to me, sign me up!

I responded by asking him if he was sure he didn't mind his precious Pam being cared for by a woman with no teeth, who needed $2000 extra to be able to patch up the giant hole in my roof. This dude will probably say it's just fine.

Just be careful, be safe. Upfront payment for a nanny job is not acceptable. This person wants to send you a counterfeit check, have you cash it, and send part of the payment back to him. Last time I checked, that's illegal, and downright filthy.

live from the hamptons

2008-08-30T09:39:00.003-10:00

LADLES AND GENTLESPOONS:

This report is comin' atcha LIVE from SOUTHAMPTON'S ROGER'S MEMORIAL LIBRARY. There are lots of dudes and dudettes strutting around in their expensive clothes taking out books for free. Oh boy, is this a nice library, offering Wi-Fi at no cost to patrons, both official (like the man sitting next to me in brown loafers and plaid shorts), and unofficial (like me - oh I fully intend to mooch).

The town I'm currently residing in - Water Mill - (according to Wikipedia) is ranked 6th as the nation's most expensive zip code. Do you sometimes wonder if these people somehow get rich by taking out books for free at the library rather than Barnes&Nobling it for moneys and keepers? In any case, this library is most definitely not funded much through late fees.

I have no great word to add to my list today, and my sister is bugging me to scoot. Off to Panera for more free 'net!

Ta!

IS IT OKAY TO JOKE ABOUT A DEAD MAN?

2008-08-05T17:13:00.004-10:00

Ever say something you think is funny only to find out that someone else already said it? God. This happens to me all the time. So Heath Ledger, having kicked the bucket and all, might be appropriately referred to as Heath Deadger. I chuckled a bit when I thought of it one day while driving around in my convertibeetle (another word I thought I created), and felt the need to google the dead celeb's amended moniker. What! It rhymes! Of course, to my dismay, somebody else had already thought of it.

FUM!

T H E E N D .

Note: Naturally I mean not to offend anybody, so relax, PBC.

oh my god, shoes.

2008-07-16T09:20:00.002-10:00

Shoes are horrible. They suffocate our feet. They get lost under the bed. They require mates. They are expensive. If it weren't for the filth of the ground and little rocks I would never wear them. Even flip flops, the stupidest and flimsiest member of the footwear family, leave us with dirty soles. It's stupid. And don't get me started on Crocs, the fugliest shoe in the universe.

But women's shoes in specific are the worst of all worsts. Pain. Torture. Blisters. Aches. I don't care how beautiful they are. If I can't walk in it without looking like a clown, or killing myself, then I won't wear it.

Okay so I'm going to go and walk around barefoot or something.

dirt.

2008-06-23T04:16:00.003-10:00

People always say the Jerz is dirty, but I look around New Jersey, and there is no more dirt here than there is anywhere else. It is true, however, that driving through the city of Elizabeth requires the use of a very strongly scented air freshener. I suppose it is also true that the beaches are littered with, well, litter, and the highways are close to what I imagine would exist in a place like, say, Hell. But flowers still grow and there are lots of fancy places to get lost in. And I will always have a special place in my heart for Broad Street in Red Bank. Such cool shops, such cool people.

I can't say I would want to live here forever. It is so difficult to find a friend for it being such a densely populated place. The people here talk fast and have a wicked accent. Throw in some cellular phone bluzz and there's no hope at communicating with them. But they like to hug and kiss, so that's nice. In this entry you will find a picture of me and my friend E. who threw a very fun party at his strangely decorated mansion two nights ago. Said party also contained my friend B. who wore a shirt bearing the word 'adorkable.'

I was sad for the longest time.

I thought I created adorkable.

buckle or knuckle.

2008-06-11T15:30:00.002-10:00

Around here they say "Click it or ticket." I personally like to say "Buckle or knuckle."

But whatever.

I always buckle up in my car, and yesterday was no exception, only I wish I hadn't, and so does my chest which now bears a sunburn in the fashion of a seat belt.

Blah. Two thumbs down.

hey baby.

2008-06-05T16:05:00.004-10:00

Word up, internets. It's my pleasure to make your acquaintance. You can call me Jenn.fer K if you'd like, and yes, it's because I'm concerned about internet safety. YEAH try and find me now, dudes. But not really.

As you are reading this introductory post, I implore you to ask yourself this series of questions.

1. Am I presently, or could I soon become incarcerated?

2. Do I have a taste for blood?

3. Am I a Bette Middler look-alike?

4. Do I wish I enjoy finding the homes of innocent bloggers and sitting outside of their home in the middle of the night with a pair of binoculars?

5. Am I overly enthusiastic about such things as rubber bands, hair bands, produce bands, or any other bands (excluding rock bands)?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, kindly take this as your cue to exit this blog and never look back.

Cough.

Allow me to explain myself.

I have recently graduated from college with a degree in English. No, I don't want to be a teacher, although I do, from time to time, dabble in substituting. That is to say I have no real idea what I want to do with my education but it is likely not going home with a headache at 3 pm every afternoon. I am a run-on sentence enthusiast and a believer in mermaids.

I have many jobs, which include:

+bank tellering*

+waitressing

+substitute teachering

+nannying*

(* indicates a pleasant experience.)

Past experiences have included:

+seller of fine ladies' footwear*

+seller of ice cream

+helper of retarded persons

+cleaner of libraries

+writer of press releases

+writer of newspaper articles

+smiler at children

(* indicates the feeling of accomplishment / worthlessness.)

I think my future would be full of smiles if I could gain some sort of meaningful employment, say, as a big-shot editorial assistant at a hip magazine like MODE (if only) or as a literary agent (my, my, my). Nobody seems to want my poetry and my short stories end up on the Island of Misfit Stories, which is by no means a way cool anthology of awesome shorts. But whatever. I keep on keeping on. In the meantime I am working as a nanny and as a maker-upper and smoosher-togetherer of words and freelancing.

And I'm all for abrupt transitions.

That said, I will end by giving you this suggestion. Try saying 'fanks' to those individuals who serve your food or bag your groceries or make your change at the gas station. Chances are, they'll think you actually said 'thanks' and you will feel awesome knowing that you just tricked someone. YEAH.